Hey you Brit!
Thank you for e-mail. I was surprised by reading how much a man is able to write to a woman when he fells sorry for something he did. Although you repeated the world sorry so many times (it’s so strange for me to think about a language without synonims, though. Have you ever heard of them, or doesn’t Bristish English have them?!), I was more focused on the grammar and spelling mistakes you made.
It is true, we Americans cut off the –ue at the end of the words because we considered it archaic, but come on, do you really think that in 2014 you can still say CATALOGUE? I am also sorry not to agree with your Commonwealth, but I would never go out on an official date with a man who was able to ask me: “What is your FAVOURITE COLOUR?”. It would be even worse if he would take me to the HARBOR to enjoy a sunset with his NEIGHBORS. I could never stand that situation, you know.
Thank God my name is no LIZE, since you would spell it wrong all the time by replancing the Z with the S- seriously, LISE? I would never accept that not even as my nickname. Too much French, too much polite, too much delicate. I am everything but a delicate flower to take care of.
Even your last name, Mr. GREY, in American English is GRAY, so it is pretty obvious I could never be able to spell it right, due to a different language- or should I say dialects- we talk.
I am still shocked by a sentence you wrote me. I couldn’t believe you were that rude for sure, so since I am a smart woman, I checked, and I found out the real- well, let’s say the British- meaning of it. It was obviously related to the fact that I told you my brother is a cook and he makes the best desserts. You answered in an unpappropriate way, according to my English, since you said: “Well, next time I will have a butchers at his spotted dick.” Wow! A part of the fact that it’s grose, I thought you were interested in me, not in man. So, after being confused for a bunch of seconds, I LEARNED that “have a butchers” means “to have a look”, and it is not related to a knife or to any instruments you could use to deal with a “spotted dick”. My brother got scared actually, and he immediately crossed his legs, you know, since you were talking about a certain male body part. Phew! But luckily I was able to reassure both him and me by finding out that the “spotted dick” you were referring to is simply a "dessert made of dried fruit".
My MOM simply read the word “dick” and told me clearly not to go out with a dickead, especially after he was trying to use an expression which is unfamiliar for us and that made us think you wanted to cut my brother’s jewerly.Is that the way your MUM taught to speak? Slang, seriously?
And then you think you have the right to blame me for saying I would never have sex with you without using a RUBBER.Thinking about your innocent face while you were asking me if your dick- this time the world was used in its proper meaning- would be the pencil. That was funny, hell yeah! I looked at you as I was some retard Brit bitch who doesn’t pee leaving the door bathroom open. You did seriously thought I said “rubber” reffering to its literal meaning. Well, sorry if I broke your heart, but you see, we Americans have slang too. Even though I thought “condom” could have the same slang name in all the English languages. Obviously, I was so fucking wrong. Fucking used as “so”, in this case.
Talking about our differences, I love COOKIES, not BISCUITS, and I eat FRENCH FRIES, not CHIPS with hamburger, and CHIPS, not CRISPS while having an happy-hour with my friends. Not to mention that fact that I go on VACATION, not on HOLIDAY.
Another reason why I have to reject your invitation is that I could never change my star and strip heart into a Union Jack one, of course not! And I will MAIL, not POST you a bithday card next FALL. No one used AUTUMN anymore, unless we pretend to be in a movie with the ex official and gentleman Richard Gere, better known as Edward from Pretty woman.
Talking about beauty, just to be clear, I am HOT and not DISHY, and I am FANCY in the American way, which means “interesting”, not “sexually attractive”, as Mr. Cleaver would tease Bridget Jones. Could have been a better Hugh Grant for that role? Of course not, since he is the prototipe of British men. Good luck with it, I should say.
I really need to take a NAP now, I am pretty tired. Oh sorry, right... let me check on the dictionary... there we go, I am going to take a KIP. Kip? Really? What a fucking name to use to refer yourself to a short snooze! Whatever.
I am pretty sure you will RING me tomorrow, not CALL, maybe to invite me to go to a PUB for a beer or something. Too bad then, since I would definitely tell you to join me at the BAR.
As you can see, there is not only an ocean to divide us, but also a language, which actually should be the same. But hey! You invented it, we improved it.
Cheers!
Your sexy, brilliant and crazy American woman
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